Alex's Struggle
by mywildrose895
Summary: Unbeknownst to anyone else, Alex Dunphy has been struggling with her private demons especially during and following her first year of college. Warning: includes possible triggers related to depression


Alex had just completed her first year of college. The entire school year had passed by in what seemed to be the blink of an eye. She didn't really know what to do with herself now… and she was getting worried. Alex had assumed that her mental state had been the result of being in college and the stress that comes with that new experience; it appeared she was wrong.

Everyone talks about college as a place to experience new things, increase your independence, and make new friends. Alex didn't get the "college experience." It was confusing to her why she did not have a good first year at college while it seemed everyone else had. She had tried so hard to make friends. There was a girl in her English class first semester who seemed interested in being her friend. Then out of nowhere the girl decided not to sit next to Alex during class anymore… There were people Alex had met whom she got along with, but wasn't actually friends with. Her lack of friends made her feel unlovable and she wondered why people didn't want to be friends with her. She had always assumed that not having many friends in high school wasn't a big deal and that she would find more friends when she went off to college. But what if she never found any friends?

She had moved back home and decided to commute because she was incredibly lonely living on campus. For the most part, her roommate had ignored her and refused her attempts at building a friendship. Alex had believed that maybe if she moved back home, where she would be surrounded by family, she would feel less alone. That didn't happen. In fact, it made her feel even more alone. How could people who claimed to love her not realize what was going on inside of her mind?

Now that school was done until the fall, her friends from high school were all back home. She assumed they would want to see her and catch up on what had been going on in each other's lives while they were all away at college, but no one contacted her. No texts, no phone calls, nothing. Did they not want to be friends with her anymore? She had tried to stay in touch with them while in school, but they had only ever talked to her when she had messaged them first. No one ever actually messaged her on their own just to talk to her…

Alex laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling. She didn't want to move or get up. What was wrong with her that no one wanted to spend time with her? Was she unlovable? Her own family avoided her because she wasn't anything like the rest of them. She was the smart one, the one everyone could rely on to be calm and reasonable, the one who didn't need anyone else. The problem was that she did need others. She needed friends. She needed her family. She needed them to support her and tell her she was loved and that they wanted her in their lives. Because right now, Alex felt as if she was being pulled into a pit of hopelessness. If she feel into the pit entirely, she might be lost forever. Maybe she deserved this… Maybe she was a terrible person and this was the world punishing her for it. Everyone thought she was sarcastic and extremely blunt. No one realized that sarcastic comments and just pointing out the obvious were just part of her sense of humor. When she would make sassy comments, she would always be smiling because it was just a joke. She would never actually say something mean like that and mean it unless if she was angry.

It seemed like every single day of her life Alex had to plaster on a fake smile and act happy and everyone would fall for it. But she was so tired of pretending. Alex would constantly hope that someone would look at her fake smile and ask what's wrong and actually see through the facade she had created. Because her mood wasn't just the result of being tired like she would tell people. She was sad, she was lonely, she was angry with herself, and she was contemplated whether or not living was even worth it.

Everything took so much effort. Even little things like moving her fingers, walking, or breathing. Her body was screaming that it was tired but all the rest in the world couldn't make her feel better. Alex literally had no energy to move or talk or eat. She could tell that her stomach was empty and in her head she knew she should probably get something in her stomach. The problem was that the thought of eating just didn't appeal to her. She wasn't nauseous; she didn't want to eat. What was the point? And the act of chewing any food she might have sounded absolutely exhausting. So Alex just didn't eat. Mainly, all she did was try to sleep. Even that was difficult. Her body was telling her to sleep, but her mind would continue running, insulting her over and over and over again. Telling her no one loved her, that maybe she should just give up.

One night, Alex needed to sleep. She needed sleep more than she had ever needed anything before. Her desperation led her to stumble her way downstairs in the middle of the night, using the wall to support her weak body. She made her way into the kitchen and took out a bottle of sleeping pills. She just wanted to sleep. Alex shook out two of the small blue pills and swallowed them with some water. As she was about to return the bottle to the cupboard, she paused and looked down at it in her hand.

Maybe you should just take the entire bottle. Then you can finally sleep.

The thought was appealing. She didn't necessarily want to die. She just needed a break from life in general. Alex wished she could just stop existing for a while. But she knew that if she swallowed every last pill in that bottle, she would die. The thought didn't alarm her at all. In fact, she felt completely devoid of any emotion. All she felt was her desire to sleep. She desperately wanted to sleep. Alex sighed, put the bottle away, and slowly made her way upstairs to her bedroom.

The next morning, it took what seemed like an eternity for Alex to manage to get herself out of bed. She didn't want to move. But, as her mother yelled up to her from downstairs, staying in bed all day (regretfully) was not an option; so she got up and went downstairs. She didn't have the energy to move at a normal speed and had absolutely no energy to pretend like she was fine. Her family didn't notice anything was wrong.

Later, Haley was attempting to get her to go to the mall with her. Alex didn't have the energy. She tried to decline, but there was a lump in her throat. If she spoke, she would start crying. But her sister was waiting for an answer.

"No, thanks. I'll just stay here," she told Haley.

"Stay here? All you ever do is stay in your room. You're practically a hermit! You need to get out more."

Alex didn't say anything; she couldn't. She kept her eyes focused on the rug on the floor of their living room and remained silent.

"Alex? Are you okay?" Haley asked hesitantly.

Something inside of Alex broke. Someone had finally asked her how she was and she couldn't pretend everything was fine. She looked at her sister and started to cry. Haley quickly came over to her and sat down them down on the couch, enveloping Alex in her arms.

"What's wrong, Alex?" she asked softly, still holding Alex as she sobbed.

Alex couldn't speak; all she could do was cry. No words could express what was wrong with her and she had no idea where to begin to explain to her older sister how much she was struggling. She felt ashamed at breaking down in front of Haley and even apologized for it between her broken sobs. No matter how much Haley asked her what was wrong, Alex couldn't provide an answer. All she could do was hold on to her sister as pain continued to sweep through her entire body, threatening to drown her in despair.


End file.
